I've been pretty busy lately. Thursday and Friday I was in Montreal for work. It was a fast trip and I spent most of the time at the office, but it was still fun to see co-workers there and also to see a little bit more of Montreal. I've been there twice now for work but never for fun and on both work trips I didn't have much time to see anything. It seems like a really great city so I'll have to visit it properly sometime soon (beer-acquisition road trip anyone?).

On Saturday I went to Matt and Adrienne's house in Burlington for a yummy Canada Day BBQ. All of the food (sausages, potato wedges, baby bok-choy) was done on the BBQ and Adrienne made a delicious blueberry pie (in the oven) for dessert. Michael and Laura were also there and it was fun to catch up with them.

On Sunday Chris and John came and parked at my place and we spent the afternoon at the pride parade and related events. It was fun and afterwards we went to Betty's for supper. We also went to "G for Gelato" which is a new Gelato place that opened really close to my apartment. It was amazing! I'll be returning there for sure.

Today I went climbing in the morning and then spent the rest of the day working on my Australia/New Zealand trip journal. I'm pretty close to being finished and I expect to have it posted by the end of the week. It's a big one!

Finally I've started training for Warrior Dash. I've managed to force myself to run four mornings per week for the last three weeks and I hope to continue this until the event (after which I will never run again).

I just read these two books back to back and they were both great. I've only recently started reading Michael Ondaatje and everything I've read by him has been fantastic. Normally I enjoy fiction for the story or the characters, but this is the first author whose books I enjoy for the words: the actual words he chooses and the way he pieces them together into sentences and paragraphs until they become story and emotion. I've so far avoided reading his best known work, The English Patient, but I think I'll pick that up next time I restock on books.

Last night Adrienne and I were going to go see Radiohead at Downsview Park but unfortunately the stage collapsed, killing one of the crew from the show. Bad times. I've never seen Radiohead live before and I really want to, so I may try to do it in another city. I don't expect they'll be back to Toronto any time soon.

As an alternate activity Adrienne and I went to the distillery district to get chocolate from Soma and then we wandered over to Yonge Dundas Square to see The Flaming Lips at a free show as part of NXNE. It was pretty good, but obviously not Radiohead. Still, it's nice living in a city where it's easy to find alternate activities when plans fall apart.

Today I went climbing at True North, which is also in Downsview Park so I was able to see the stage. It's a huge tangle of collapsed metal and is totally surreal. It's amazing how few people were affected; it would have been really bad if it happened during the show with 40,000 people watching. The panic would have been awful not to mention all the extra people who would have been on stage.

I read a lot. Many times people have looked at my bookshelves and asked, "Have you read all those??" The answer is of course yes, but there's at least that number of books again that I've read and do not own. Anyway, I've always toyed with the idea of keeping track of the books I read in some way but I never get around to it. I'm sure there is some sort of Web 2.0/social media thing for that purpose but I'd rather read than spend that time categorizing and social-mediaing what I've read.

So as a compromise I've decided to do short blog posts about books as I finish them (if the book is worthy). I just finished The Grapes of Wrath which is on most lists of the best English novels of all time and is frequently described as one of the best American novels of all time. I found its depictions of life during the depression fascinating and the story of the Joad family to be gripping. As a stand-alone book it is great. However there was an additional layer that I found extra interesting. A lot of the problems presented in the book echo the problems we're having in the world today (concentration of wealth among few people, falling wages, rising unemployment, destruction of the work base for the middle class, etc).

I'm not trying to oversimplify, but the outbreak of World War II was probably the greatest factor in the resolution of those problems. I don't see another world war in the near future, which is good, but how will we solve the problems this time?

It's been a while since my last update and I've decided it is time to start blogging regularly again. I honestly haven't felt like writing but I've noticed my writing skills have begun to atrophy from lack of use so I need to get back to it.

My first priority in this realm will be the transcription of my journal from my big Australia/New Zealand trip. This will take a while and I won't be posting it incrementally. I'll only publish when it is complete. This afternoon I made a start and it is my goal to do at least a little bit of it every day. It should take two or three weeks (or maybe four if I get busy with other things).

A lot has happened since I returned from the southern hemisphere. Within the first week back I contacted my Realtor and started preparing the house for sale. It was just too big and full of too many bad memories for me to be able to stay there. After getting the house prepped and staged it only took five days to sell it. The Toronto real estate market is kind of insane (but that's a subject for a different blog post). The sale is not technically done yet, it closes on June 21, but so far things look OK. I know I'll be a lot more relaxed when it's finished though.

My Realtor, Sabrina Alevritis, was amazingly helpful and supportive. She was also the person who helped us buy the house in the first place. If you're looking for a Realtor I can't recommend her highly enough.

The apartment I found (again with the help of Sabrina) is downtown near where I work so it's a great place to be while I figure out what to do next. My commute rounded to the nearest five minute mark is zero minutes. I also have a lovely view of the Toronto skyline and the building itself is brand new and has a bunch of nice amenities. My unit is a one bedroom+den and is slightly bigger than the one Kim and I shared in CityPlace (but I'm pretty sure that extra space is just wasted in poor layout choices). Also, while it is a larger building, it is not CityPlace big and there is only one so it's not as crazy and dormitory-style as CityPlace was.

A big part of moving was downsizing my stuff. Kim and I acquired a lot of things in a short time and it was all too much for just me. I spent a lot of time going through all our possessions and whittling them down to things I actually need or things that have sentimental value. Everything else I either donated to charity or gave away to friends and family. It was a difficult process but I feel significantly lighter for having done it. Outside of books (can never have too many books), having too many possessions makes me anxious because you have to worry about them and care for them.

Over Mother's Day weekend my mom got herself two new Siamese kittens. Our family has always had cats (and normally Siamese), but after the last one died my mom held off on getting new ones because of everything that was happening with Kim and with my Grandfather. She didn't want to have to rush back to her house to take care of pets when so many more important things were going on. But now that life has settled down she has cats again and I've already been to visit them twice because they're super adorable (well and maybe because it was Mother's Day and then my mom's birthday).

Day-to-day I've still been climbing whenever I can and I've also been helping Chris and John prepare for their wedding in August. That's going to be lots of fun for sure. I also need to start doing some cardio training as I'm participating in Warrior Dash again for some stupid reason.

View from my balcony near sunset

I had a great trip, but I'm home now and it's back to work tomorrow. I'll be posting a trip journal with lots of photos at some point.

I'm in Australia and it's an awesome place!

I've sorted out most of the practical necessities that I was required to deal with as a result of Kim's passing. Now I'm taking a break. I'm going on a month long trip to Australia and New Zealand where I will spend time visiting my very good friends Patrick and Toni and my cousin Shannon. I'll also spend a bunch of time on my own exploring small sections of both amazing countries.

When I come back I hope to write up a proper trip journal with lots of pictures and stories. I'll also start the process to sell the house and move into a smaller apartment downtown which I'll rent until I figure out what to do next.

I want to quickly publicize a couple neat things. First, my good friend Mike recently gave a TED talk at TEDxIB@York. The talk is about the power of enthusiasm and communicates a great message on how your outlook can shape the world around you. It's been posted on YouTube and everyone should go watch it. Mike was also kind enough to dedicate the talk to Kim (check out 17:59) which really meant a lot to me.

The second thing is from Kim's sister Michelle. She has put together a compilation of writings from various people (including this blog) detailing all the stuff that happened in Kim's year dealing with cancer. I haven't seen it yet myself, but if you're interested, the book "Strong in the Face of Adversity" is available for purchase at cost from Lulu, a self-publishing website.

A lot of people ask how I'm doing. I generally say "OK" or grunt noncommittally. I'm not really OK ever at all, but it's normally too tiring to get into it. That doesn't mean people shouldn't ask or that I don't want to talk about it. Just that their timing is normally wrong.

I've come across a community on the Internet for young widows/widowers (a word I am soooooo not comfortable with) and one of the more active members wrote a very good description of what many people in my situation feel. I figured rather than ramble on myself I'd just repost it below. I agree with basically all of it.

Unique and Devastating Loss

With the death of our spouse, we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse's death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.